License to Drive and Lie
by Amy Kenneley

I confess! I lied. Or fudged, or embroidered, or whatever you want to call it. Been doing it for years, and it all started the first time I filled out my driver's license application.

Height? Five foot five inches.

Eyes? Brown.

Hair? Brown.

Weight? Weight……Now wait a minute. I looked down at my seven-months-gone self. No way was I going to put my most recent scale reading on this official record.

I hadn't learned to drive when most of my friends had, at 16, 17 or 18. Now, with my third child close to delivery time, I had decided to learn to drive and get my license. Great timing. For both events.

This was a license for three years, right? Three years of documenting my pregnant weight on paper. Three years of presenting for identification what would, in my mind, be a false report.

At least, in 2 more months it would be false. Even though my obstetrician had confided last week, "It's not ALL baby," I was convinced that I really must be carrying a 28 pound heir. So I lied. I put down the weight I just knew would be my true size in 2 months. Nobody blinked.

Renewal Pains Again

Three years later I returned to renew, and the same questions:

Height? Five foot five inches.

Eyes? Brown.

Hair? Brown.

Weight? To be honest(this time) I was not the svelte size I had envisioned three years ago. But now I was caught. My license told on me.

I couldn't admit to falsifying an official document the first time without everyone at the DMV turning as one and shouting, "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!" So my fudging continued.

The thought of this deception gnawed at me. Visions of my unconscious self lying by a roadside ditch came with persistency. I could see the police officer checking my license for identification and saying, "Well, this woman is obviously carrying false ID, look at that weight! It can't be her."

Meanwhile, my husband would be frantically calling all over to find me and no one would realize I was me because ----well, you know.

Return to Truth--Almost

When the next renewal came due, I returned to reclaim my honesty-at least a little of it.

Height? Five foot five inches.

Eyes? Brown.

Hair? Brown.

Weight? I added 5 pounds. I needed to get straight with the law, but I thought I would do it in 3-year increments.

The years passed. I kept my real weight under the radar screen of the DMV. I figured I had managed to move my deception to "Hmmmm, it's possible she is" from the earlier "You've got to be kidding!"

Just yesterday I returned for my most recent renewal. I was prepared for everything. I had spent an extra amount of time on hair and makeup, selecting a nice spring-like top for my photo. In the bathroom mirror I practiced some suitable faces. The last renewal had me looking -well,bewildered.

007 Grandma License

Armed with my old driver's license, a check for my new one, and stepping up when my number was called, I very quickly informed the clerk that my weight should be changed.

"I've been on a diet" I explained, "so you can take ten pounds off that old license weight."

I HAD been on a diet. I had lost weight. What I didn't mention was that some of it had returned.

Never mind, though. At some time I HAD weighed ten pounds less than the old license stated, so I figured I was now even-steven with the DMV. Looking dubious, the clerk entered my weight. "Step over here for your photo" she said.

I practiced my most mysterious look-then, just as she was about to press the button, she said "Smile if you want to!"

HUH?

Revenge of the DMVA few minutes later I walked out of the door with my new driver's license.

Height-Five foot five inches

Eyes-Brown

Hair-White

Weight……..hey, wait a minute! Hair WHITE? I stared at my photo. I was most certainly a GREY, not a WHITE.

And my photo! Again, a bewildered me stared out. I have a good mind to go back in and get this all changed. Yes, I certainly will...in three years.

By then, perhaps the truth will be told---on both sides of the counter.