The Perfect Ten Church
Are you a Member?
by Amy Kenneley

I wish there was a perfect church for me--a 10-point one. I sure would attend more often if I had a church like this:

1. The Building: Must have a tower--maybe two towers--or a dome. Solid, sturdy, made of stone. Lots of steps, lots of windows. People would pass by and say, "Now THAT'S a church!"

2. The Grounds: 3 acres of Chem-lawn, tall trees with a garden-poster yard of flowers and shrubs always in bloom. No dandelions.

3. The Interior: Martha Stewart designed this one in happy tones, with large padded chairs or pews for our more ample selves. No spotlights, just restful lighting for snoozing.

4. The Choir: No warblers and no flat singers. Everyone sings in sync and the choir director would be reminiscent of Mitch Miller. A Maestro at the antique, priceless pipe organ as well. . And better robes...definitely better robes.

5. The Hymns: Nothing wild or fast--something humble AND hum-able. Perhaps some adaptations of old Hit Parade lyrics would do, so we don't have to learn anything new.

6. Sermons: Keep it to 15 minutes or less in length, the average attention span of 12-year-olds. No involved theology please, or "rules"-we just got up and aren't mentally awake. Better yet, keep it happy and light, toss in 3 jokes and we can get out of there in time for the Kiwanis Pancake Breakfast.

7. Finances: Now we are getting somewhere. This church should be funded by a very rich, beneficent old person who never actually attends or wants to run anything, just sends money so the rest of us don't have to "sacrifice" all the time.

8. Special Events: All special events sponsored by the church such as carnivals, food banks, blanket collections, fairs, socials, dances, sports, etc. shall be organized and run by an off-site agency paid for by that same rich old benefactor. This way, the church members can have FUN instead of working.

9. Congregation: All first-rate, intelligent people who agree on everything. They should be extremely photogenic for our church yearbook. Their children would be under orthodontist's care if needed.

10. Minister: Nope, didn't forget him (or her, but must we always be gender sensitive?) A cross between Mel Gibson and Billy Graham would be nice. Must look good in black. Someone who fits in at a barbeque or a dinner with 12-pieces of silverware.

Well, that's the list-do you think there really is a "Perfect 10 Church" somewhere? Probably not. Even if there were, they wouldn't want ME for a member.

Right now, I seem to fit right in with my less-than-perfect-church with its less-than-perfect-congregation. If we worked really hard, we could move up to a "5" or even "6" kind of church…but we would need Martha Stewart to cater the spaghetti dinners.

Imperfectly, Amy Kenneley