Nursing home romp

Hang on, silvermuffins, as we zoom ahead twenty years. While waiting for staff to quell the Bingo brouhaha, we read the following in-house newsletter:

The Boomer Rumor Rag - October 2027

Our recent takeover here at Shady Aches, er, Acres, was a hip-hopping success! Did you ever think a coup would be so fun?!? Please vote for a new facility name.

Our choices: (1) Flab Harbor; (2) Coffin Teaser Geezers; (3) The Gravity Showcase; or (4) Stairway to Heaven.

Confused by the new daily schedule? We're piping in selected oldies to keep us on track. When you hear Angel of the Morning, get up! Head for breakfast at Jam Up and Jelly Tight.

Is that Jumpin' Jack Flash? Well, hustle your butterbuns to aerobics class. American Pie will be the cue for lunch. Naptime kicks off with In My Room, and ends (heh, heh) with Afternoon Delight.

Then, cocktails during Margaritaville, and din-din at Mashed Potatoes. When are visiting hours over? Go Away Little Girl! And sweet dreams during Eve of Destruction.

In other news, we convinced the dietitian to balance our menu by color. Hell, we've cheated death this long, let's go for it! Enjoy the colorful meals of yesteryear: red licorice, candy corn, and blue M&Ms! Ain't it funny how comfort food is rarely green?

October is Beautify America month! Gals, surrender those ruby lipsticks and black eyebrow pencils, and receive a free session at Bob's Electrolysis Corner.

And for any guy who pitches his toupee, we have a deluxe ear wax removal kit, complete with spatulas in four sizes.

The Swap Shop now boasts more than macraméed hot pants and hemp leisure suits. Yup, sign up to swap visitors! Why suffer through visits with your relatives? Enjoy a little solitude while we redirect those irksome visitors to a stranger's room.

Got an artificial joint? A metal plate in your head? Join the fun in our new magnet room! Walkers and wheelchairs welcome.

Lost - a 1981 souvenir cocktail glass from the Sugar Shack. Great sentimental value. The male stripper on it looks like Jason, our Administrator. Way to go, Jason! Just kidding, he would've been, what, five years old??

The financial planning series is discontinued. As many of us noted, "Live it Up Before You Die" proved short on fiscal acumen.

It's true: Clothes stay cleaner when we're not in them! Help lower laundry costs and save water by going nude each Saturday. And for a real hoot, do what I did, and spice up the day with a visitor swap!

Fight dementia through our high school mentoring program. Right on! Pair up with a teen mentor and learn the latest profanity, slang, and lewd gestures.

Are dental costs biting your budget? Kick the denture habit! A toothless support group will teach gumming techniques. Taffy apples served on Halloween.

There's a rumor that Huggy, our pet python, senses death and curls up with residents when the end is near. True, she has been seen slithering from rooms of people who expired. But is this a paranormal phenomenon or the ho-hum antics of the average 20-foot predator? Rest easy - a committee will look into it.

Correction: The bus trip for cheapie medications will tour the Drug Palace - not the Drag Palace. The typo spurred a stampede to the Swap Shop for evening gowns, wigs, and razors.

People, people! There will be a $250 fine for starting a sentence with, "I remember when...;" and $500 for "Back in the old days..." We may indeed have one disgusting, fungal foot already in the proverbial grave, but let's not bore each other to death!

Short-term memory loss? No problem, honeybunches. We'll reprint this month's Boomer Rumor Rag next spring. With luck, we'll forget we ran it and you'll forget you read it!

Till then, go nude on Mondays, and remember: "No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no problem!"

That's right, every Wednesday.

Copyright © 2007 Mary Tompsett