Diet for the New Year

The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself
in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again
to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional
ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie-
-not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew
on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore---
But isn't that what
January is for?