There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his
congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new lawnmower. The bad news is, it's still
out
there in your pockets."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,Lord,"
and
there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
note
under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
times.
If
I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket,
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls,
what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of
attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what
the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
Bible
means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth.'"
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him
what
that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask
the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs
to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and
a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted
to
know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But
you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected,
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled
Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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