A Mother's letter to Her Son

Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read too fast.

You won't know this house when you come here, we've moved.

About your father, he has a great new job. He has 5,000 men under him -- he's cutting grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, it isn't working too good. Last week, I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Maria had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle Angelo drowned last week in a vat of wine in the Sicilian vineyards. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.

We cremated his body and it took three days for the fire to go out.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of booze. It kept him going until New Years Day.

The kitchen stove blew up the other day, and your father and I were blown out the back door. It was the first time we've been out together in years.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week; first for 3 days, then for 4 days.

Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if we don't pay the last installment on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes.

Your loving mother,

P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope.