Sit, Stay, Pay
Mary's doggone good idea
for Health Care Reform

A blue-haired lady outside of church squinted at the tiny inscription on my dangle earrings. Oh my, is that a prayer? she asked, and peered closer. Let me guess, a sacred quote?? Um, not exactly. They're old rabies tags, bless Muffin's soul.

At this writing, our leaders continue to duke it out over healthcare reform: accessibility, cost, competition, blah blah blah. Yo! People!! Over here! I have the most bestest answer! Why does no one ever listen to me?? Okay, okay, stupid question.

Think. Who do we know that in minutes can examine a skin rash and immediately recommend what foods to avoid? Who sells a ten-day dose of antibiotic for $10?? Who will do a total hip transplant for a measley five grand??!! Best of all, who ALWAYS gives free treats??

Yes, my darlings-vets! No, I speak not of our returning warriors, but of the freckled young fella who cured Mew-Mew's hairball impaction, and the gray-haired gal who sweet-talked Rocky onto the exam table and then…eeek!…neutered him.

With a little legislative tweaking we too could enjoy hassle-free, affordable care from skilled providers wearing Porky Pig scrubs! If I'm gonna go rabid in a town hall meeting, I want someone who can treat me later.

Not only do veterinarians offer diverse skills, but we all know they have way better magazines. Ooh, and those grossly cool heartworm posters! In a vet's office, communication is pretty darn transparent: Sit! Stay! Pay!

And everyone agrees it's gonna hurt big-time when the doc calls for assistance, and in bounces a perky, pony-tailed helper in welding mitts and a face shield. Why should animals get all the perks? We have a right to take our medications stuffed in specially designed snacks! And no more fumbling with prescription bottles; at last, a loved one can sneak up from behind, restrain you in a fleece throw, and massage your throat till you swallow the blasted pill. Good girrrrrrrrrl!!!!!

Lord knows, after abdominal surgery, we all harbor secret fantasies about wearing one of those huge funnel collars. Some of us. I do.

Speaking of stitches, let's hope vets will learn to take smaller ones and switch to clear thread. Personally, I'm tired of ladling on concealing makeup over the "train track" of coarse black threads jutting from my forehead.

Of course, a vet care option will tweak a few societal norms. To wit, no more humping patients in the waiting room. Yeah, tootsie cakes, this means you! Also, the large platform scale by the front desk has to go.

Come to think of it, we'll need lower exam tables. I don't know about you, but when vaulting onto slippery stainless steel, I find it increasingly difficult to stick the landing with any grace.

Small animal vets often implant computer chip IDs, which will be invaluable to those of you with memory problems. Such confusion often…uh…what was I saying? And hey, nothing cures the Monday blahs faster than a refreshing flea dip! Don't you just love that slick, parasite-free tingle??

On the other hand, a large animal vet has some appeal. Imagine how intelligent - not to mention slim - we'll look to someone who's been wrestling livestock all day! But frankly, I'm afeared that the moment I spot my doc pulling on those thick, elbow-length rubber gloves, I will FREAK OUT!!

So, I've selected a zoo vet-someone adept in treating body lice on primates, and rope burns from the tire swings, and who will remove my unsightly knuckle calluses. The first appointment will be for a chip implant and flea bath. I'm tellin' ya, this is healthcare we can all agree on…(get ready)…Chips and Dip!!

I almost forgot. As a new patient, I'll also receive a free 500 lb. bag of Purina Croc Chow! The leg-size kibble comes in either Original Zebra recipe or Capsized Canoeist gourmet blend.

Copyright © 2009 Mary Tompsett